Young Writers Society

Hey its think again, tired of long posts so ill just do point forms =):
1.) Good use of imagery again, you captured the innocence of the whale.And your comparison between its gentleness and size makes it seem like the gentle giant it really is.

2.)I always enjoy your poems.

3.) favourite lines:

-Being alive

And breathing-

In pockets

And bubbles

And moments of consciousness


9/10 another great poem, hope to read more of you work soon

I love how you described the whale as a "mass", larger than you, but yet your companion. To me, it signifies respect and a trust for those larger than you that you may naturally fear. Very intelligent, please keep writing. Remember, writing never diminishes your skill, only improves it.
Two Thumbs up.

THANK YOU for your suggestions folks. They have been taken on board.

This was a beautiful poem, but you didn't mention anything about the camera. Maybe you could add *click* after every paragraph in your poem.

It's all good.
I have major OCD, so I'm a huge punctuation-Nazi.

'Lo, Dave. ^^

I have to say, I really enjoyed the airy openness of this poem. I'm generally a punctuation-fascist, but every once in a while something sans punctuation strikes my fancy--and this is one of them. The lack of punctuation lends a sort of subtle ambiguity that works well--not only with the subject matter, but also with your Buddhist tendencies. ^~

There are a few places, though, that I think could have been a little more poetic. In the first stanza:

Many times my size

Speaking

-Through thought

Thought alone-

A black shape in the blue ocean

The universal mass

My companion

Speaking--

Fought with no one

Tethered to the tale

And living a story on its back

Okay, cool. I like the adjustments you have made on this one.

I thank you.

Punctuation is not my best friend you see...

A black shape in the blue ocean;

The universal mass.

My companion,

Many times my size,

Speaking

Through thought-

Thought alone.

Fought with no one,

Tethered to the tale,

And living a story on its back.



Beneath waves and under currents.

Light and innocent,

Without reason

Or metaphor.

A rolling, natural joy

Being alive

And breathing

In pockets,

And bubbles,

And moments of consciousness.






I corrected some of the punctuation errors above.
I like this, though.
It's pretty good.

The underlined part kind of detract from the poem.
They'd be better taken out or incorporated into another line.